Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I Am NOT a Dumb A*#

Dear Mom:
I am writing this letter to you in regards to the accusations that were thrown at me upon your arrival home the other day. What accusations you ask? How quickly you forget the slip of your tongue in your old age (43 I believe this coming November?). Let me refresh your memory: you called me a "dumb ass". Please, wipe that look of shock off of your face, and please note the picture I have included in this letter. Your shocked look is nothing compared to my wounded heart.

In my defense I would like to point out a few key facts that presents a solid case as to why I am NOT a dumb ass as you have so wrongly accused me of being.
First of all, when you came home from school, I greeted you with open wags and kisses. It was not until you noticed the empty Tupperware container on the couch next to ReRun, that you started to eye ME suspiciously. It was next to him, not me! Then when you went into the kitchen, you found the other Tupperware container on the floor. Dixie was the one who picked it up and brought it to you, not me. I was sitting by the door because I had to go out and pee, I was not trying to hide like I did something wrong. At first you thought "I" opened up the refrigerator and took the Tupperware containers out of there........seriously, are you kidding me? It was at that point you realized it was the Tupperware containers that had the chocolate chip pumpkin cookies in them. Now I would like to point out that, I was not the dumb ass who left Tupperware containers filled with cookies on the edge of the counter. Weren't you suppose to take those to school to share with your fellow teachers? How is it MY fault that you forgot them? And why would you leave food that close to the edge of the container with 3 dogs in the house?

I am not the dumb ass you accuse me of because if I was truly a dumb ass, I would have eaten the cookies in the ceramic cookie jar, but that was still safe and sound on the counter. I know the difference between ceraminc and rubber when it hits the floor.
I would like to point out a key piece of evidence in my defense: Who was the dumb ass who did not pay attention to the cookie recipe and when you mixed all the ingredients and realized that you had ALOT of dough, was it only then that you read the "YIELDS 11 DOZEN COOKIES" line? Hey, I felt bad for you and by eating a few harmless cookies, I helped you out. And besides that, you are always telling us we all need more fiber in our diets and pumpkin is a good source of fiber. I was feeling a little loose after eating that piece of cooked cabbage out of the trash on Sunday so I thought the pumpkin would help tighten me up.

In conclusion, when you went to bed last night and felt that soft thing under the pillow, you know as well as I do, that Dixie hide the cookie under the pillow. I would have never wasted a completely good, fresh cookie for another day. And ReRun didn't hide that cookie cuz he can't jump up on the bed by himself so it is very obvious that it was NOT the beagles who ate the cookies........it was that stinking, short legged, sneaky, wanna-be-beagle Cardigan Corgis Dixie.
But hey, if you get a chance tomorrow, could you just check my poop to make sure everything looks okay? I was feeling a bit bloated today.
Love,
your not so dumb ass Beagle
Squirt

10 comments:

ae1501 said...

OMG Thanks for my laugh.

Heather said...

lol. I've got a couple dumb asses here at my place - I've lost whole pizzas, bowls of oatmeal, loaves of bread.... (I know, who's the dumb ass that leaves them on the counter?)

jen said...

Poor Squirtie!!
Don't you know by now that all beagles are dumb ass's?
I know my sweet Dixie girl had nothing to do with it:)

Nancy K. said...

Well, I certainly hope that you have apologized and begged Squirt's forgiveness by now!

You really need to learn to think before you speak...

;-)

Jen and Rich Johnson said...

Hilarious!

Susan said...

I can't believe it could be Ms. Dixie!!! She's an innocent always in my eyes :)

Kara said...

Way too cute! Love your fall decorations!

Tammy said...

Too funny, Kristi! Thanks for the laugh this morning. I don't feel so bad now after getting home last night and finding: 1 Shredded Teddy Bear in the yard (Ashley), 1 Semi-Shredded comforter in the breezeway (Ashley), plastic curtain hangers strewn across the bed, floor etc (kittens), clothes knocked off the rod (kittens), one of my shirts in the kitchen (kittens??), a shortbread cookie removed from the plastic baggie and taken into the bedroom (kittens).... Sometimes I just get tired walking in the door!
Have a great one!
Tammy

Barb said...

Sooo funny. Can't you just hear the "Quick, Mom's coming! Look innocent!!" statements coming from the house when you drive up the driveway?

Christine said...

ROTFL! I'm not buying it at all. Around here it's always the beagle!